Rough Riders

The carnival barker's pitch

Or, a funny thing I heard on the way to the Ferris wheel

Carnival Barker

Come one, come all, step right up and take your chances!

You there! Yes, you, the yokel with the candied apple, why you look like a fine young strap of a man! Have you ever thought about what it would be like to take those strong arms of yours and make something of yourself out West? You have?

Well, have you heard of the dread terrors out there? The cannibal natives? The strangely warped animals? The roving bands of mercenaries, paid with Southern blood money, whose only satiation comes from taking from good honest hard working Americans like you and me?

What we need right now is not more settlers headed out west. What we need is good strong men and women, like you kind folks here, to step up and say, “No more!” We need hard working, hard fighting, red blooded Americans who are willing to put their lives on the line to look over those brave souls who are out there, settling the West, and helping us to reach our destiny of one nation, from Sea to shining Sea!

Cavalry charge

Have you heard of them, Roosevelt’s Rough Riders? Those brave boys, and not a few hard-working women, who ride the frontier and fight the terrors where others fear to tread? Why, not last week, I received a telegram telling me of a large engagement between the Rough Riders and the forces of Sitting Bull in the Minnesota territory. Despite the fact that those Indians were using their dread spirit magics, our boys sent those natives packing, and saved the lives of countless settlers, thanks to good old American spirit and the help of those new Orgone cannons that fella Tesla whipped up, up in old New York.

I tell you, what I wouldn’t give to be able to be a part of that troop of boys, out there, out West. I may not be able to go, but you can. In fact, if you enlist today and meet the mustering requirement, you will get a one hundred dollar signing bonus, courtesy of the governor of this glorious state, and the president of these United States of America.

So, I ask you now to raise your voice with me as we sing our national anthem, as we celebrate this glorious day. And afterwards, if you are interested in signing up to become a Rough Rider, please come speak to me at the podium, and we’ll get you squared away…

“My Country, tis of thee…”


matthewroark matthewroark

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